What the Stanley Cup finals can teach Couples?

One of the most powerful images from the Stanley Cup finals was watching both teams taking the time to stand in line and congratulate each member of the opposing team. In youth sports, kids are taught  to acknowledge the competition regardless of the outcome. However it seems unusual to see professional athletes take the time to do the same. In fact, it’s pretty rare to see  adults engage in conflict and then accept the outcome, and move on.

I have watched couples duke it out verbally more viciously than the hockey players hit physically on the ice. But the couples  don’t seem to know when to end. Even when one partner has been determined the winner, the other keeps on slinging arrows. It’s as if there are no boundaries or limits. In the game, the players all know, they can hit, push, punch, bump and mess with their opponents. However when the game is over, they are expected to line up, shake hands, and acknowledge one team won and the other lost.

I wonder if married couples would benefit from such rules. They could argue, disagree, and  erupt,during the conflict, but  when it’s over;  they shake hands, acknowledge it was a good fight, and move on. What do you think?

No Drama for Tipper and Al?

When I read that Al and Tipper Gore were separating, I was surprised. However I was more surprised at the lack of drama.  They mutually agreed it was time to part after 40 years of marriage. That’s it-beginning, middle and end of the story.

In my experience as a therapist, when a couple comes in to talk about a possible separation, this rarely happens. Usually, they begin by describing the problem as  “we’re having communication problems.” If they trust me,  they will reveal the secrets in the room: one person is having an affair, gambling, or addicted to alcohol or drugs.

Also in our technologically advanced world, few spouses accuse a partner of anything without documented evidence, beginning with the cell phone.  It is common to hear, “I just looked at the phone numbers on  his cell phone,” ” I noticed how many minutes she used up,” ” every time she called him, my computer would ping.”  This is usually followed up by reading their partners emails and printing their chat room dialogs.  As technology advances, I suspect even more couples will come up with even more innovative ways to spy on their partner.

So to me, it seems remarkable that Tipper and Al have managed to have such an unremarkable separation. What do you think?