When you run into your therapist outside of the office-what do you do?

The therapeutic relationship seems to defy most social norms. You sit in a room with a person who pays attention to you, and you alone. You  pay for this experience. While any good shrink will admit it is pretty hard to do this work without genuinely caring for the clients he works with;  the mere act of being paid for the time distinguishes this relationship from others. Additionally, most patients reveal aspects of themselves to a therapist, which they may not share anywhere else.  So as long as  you are in your therapist’s office, sitting in your favorite spot, well aware of the time limits and costs, everything is fine. But what happens when you bump into your therapist outside of the office? What do you do? Do you talk to them? Do you ignore him? Do you give an inconspicuous wave?

I think Larry David captured the essence of this issue in the second season of  Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO. In an episode entitled, “The thong”; Larry decides he can’t continue working with his therapist after seeing him wearing a thong bathing suit on the beach. So he seeks council from his friend to determine how to end his therapy without actually ever bringing up what he saw. What would you do?

What the Stanley Cup finals can teach Couples?

One of the most powerful images from the Stanley Cup finals was watching both teams taking the time to stand in line and congratulate each member of the opposing team. In youth sports, kids are taught  to acknowledge the competition regardless of the outcome. However it seems unusual to see professional athletes take the time to do the same. In fact, it’s pretty rare to see  adults engage in conflict and then accept the outcome, and move on.

I have watched couples duke it out verbally more viciously than the hockey players hit physically on the ice. But the couples  don’t seem to know when to end. Even when one partner has been determined the winner, the other keeps on slinging arrows. It’s as if there are no boundaries or limits. In the game, the players all know, they can hit, push, punch, bump and mess with their opponents. However when the game is over, they are expected to line up, shake hands, and acknowledge one team won and the other lost.

I wonder if married couples would benefit from such rules. They could argue, disagree, and  erupt,during the conflict, but  when it’s over;  they shake hands, acknowledge it was a good fight, and move on. What do you think?

Angry Obama?

It appears there are many people who want President Obama to show his anger over the BP oil spill.  What does this really mean? Should he start yelling? Maybe he should engage in a wrestling match with the President of BP? If he did express his anger, how long would he have before his critics called for him to attend “anger management” classes?  It makes me wonder if the public really wants a President that is angry or a President that can validate our experience of being angry about a horrible situation. What do you think?

No Drama for Tipper and Al?

When I read that Al and Tipper Gore were separating, I was surprised. However I was more surprised at the lack of drama.  They mutually agreed it was time to part after 40 years of marriage. That’s it-beginning, middle and end of the story.

In my experience as a therapist, when a couple comes in to talk about a possible separation, this rarely happens. Usually, they begin by describing the problem as  “we’re having communication problems.” If they trust me,  they will reveal the secrets in the room: one person is having an affair, gambling, or addicted to alcohol or drugs.

Also in our technologically advanced world, few spouses accuse a partner of anything without documented evidence, beginning with the cell phone.  It is common to hear, “I just looked at the phone numbers on  his cell phone,” ” I noticed how many minutes she used up,” ” every time she called him, my computer would ping.”  This is usually followed up by reading their partners emails and printing their chat room dialogs.  As technology advances, I suspect even more couples will come up with even more innovative ways to spy on their partner.

So to me, it seems remarkable that Tipper and Al have managed to have such an unremarkable separation. What do you think?

Has your therapist fallen asleep during your session?

Whenever I work with a new patient, I find it is helpful to hear about their previous experience in therapy. Did you like the therapist you were working with? What did you find helpful and not so helpful? For some reason, I’ve met several clients who have reported that their shrinks fell asleep on them during the session.

The first time I heard it, I found it hard to believe. However having heard this several times, I find myself wondering how can a therapist fall asleep on a patient. Since it doesn’t happen all the time, I think it leaves many clients puzzled about how to respond. “Do you think I should have brought it up?” they’ll ask.  Another common experience seems to be therapists that take phone calls during sessions. I don’t understand the thinking in either case. How does a professional justify being paid to listen, snooze, awake, answer calls, and end the session?

What do you think?

Can you tell your therapist when you’re disappointed in him?

When I read questions posted on the internet about therapy, it makes me wonder if people feel like they can talk to their therapists. On “Ask Meta Filter,” someone wrote ” should I leave therapy?” Another posted “should I be changing therapists at this time?” And one woman asked,”was my therapist trying to manipulate me?” They are all very legitimate questions. However it wasn’t clear if any of them felt they could present these concerns to their therapist. Why? What do you think gets in the way of telling a therapist that you have concerns about her and the treatment? Is it worth taking the risk to find out their reaction or better to walk away? What do you think?

Do You Need A Script To Tell Family About…?

I just noticed that someone landed on my blog by typing in “script for talking to your family about sexual abuse.” It’s an interesting question. I’m sure someone has included one in a book.

Personally, I think the best script for talking to family members about vulnerable topics or secrets  is one that only you can write. And in order to do that, you  need to take some time to figure out what your story is. The scary part  is discovering that the story your family or others have for you may not be the one you have come up with for yourself.

It has been my experience that when the client has some clarity about what they want to share with their family, they become less concerned with whether their family accepts it or not. What do you think?

How much alcohol do you drink every day?

Can you tolerate people who disagree with you?

I knew some friends who attended Saturday’s University of Michigan graduation. From what they reported, the President encouraged graduates to seek out people from different backgrounds with different experiences and points of view. Obama was quoted as saying, “If you’re someone who only reads the editorial page of The New York Times, try glancing at the page of The Wall Street Journal once in awhile,” he said. “If you’re a fan of Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh, try reading a few columns on the Huffington Post Web site.”

He presented an issue I have wondered about too. Why does it seem so difficult for many people to engage in a meaningful exchange of opinions. It seems very popular to attack the messenger as a way of distracting from the message  It can be uncomfortable to share opposing political, religious, social views with others, but does this suggest we should demean and discredit them because we don’t agree with them?

I think there is great value in simply asking the question even without an answer. How does questioning or having our views challenged hurt us? I wonder if disagreements imply one has to surrender their views and adopt a new stance? Does it have to mean one is right and one is wrong. So can we tolerate disagreeing with someone while continuing to care or respect them?

What do you think?

Which Newsmaker is the Most Out of Touch With Reality ?

Each of these people have made a name for themselves. While anyone of them could be judged for their behavior, they all appear to be disconnected from how they appear to the rest of us. Having said that, I’m curious who you believe is the MOST out of touch with reality. It may seem simple, but I believe you will find it’s a closer race than it first appears.